Month: November 2019

”A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success.”
~ Elbert Hubbard

Sometimes you get a bit of hope in unexpected places. The last two months were full of disappointment. I had come very close to giving up.

Trying to conceive is draining—in every conceivable way. It’s a drain on you physically, emotionally, mentally, financially…and the relationships around you take a hit too. My period started last week 27 days behind schedule. I learned I wasn’t ovulating correctly. The appointment for my gynecologist was set already—I made it a month ago. The deal was for Galen to get sperm analysis done and we would see the results and then decide on a course of treatment. We weren’t able to get the analysis. So I had to decide what I was going to do now.

The treatments for endometriosis and trying to conceive contradict one another. You can’t medically treat the disease while trying to conceive. All of the treatments stop ovulation or if you do get pregnant, they cause serious birth defects or miscarriage.

My husband and I had a serious decision to make. Did we want to take a break from trying to conceive and try to work on decreasing my pain level? Or do we focus on trying to get pregnant first? I was frustrated. I was scared. We sat waiting on my doctor (Dr. Carter) for an hour and a half. She cleared everyone out, so that she could focus on us. I’ve been through terrible doctors. During this particular visit I would learn just how bad a previous doctor had been to me. I was blessed when I found Dr. Carter. She’s patient, understanding, and supportive of my wants and needs.

When Dr. Carter came in, we talked about the newest medications (Orlissa) and I described the fact that I am no longer ovulating normally. Dr. Carter knew that Orlissa would have to wait until we were done trying to get pregnant. Honestly, I was relieved. Medications and I don’t get along. I’m so wary of the treatments for endometriosis. Most of them make me really ill or mentally unstable.

As we were talking, she brought up Letrozole. I had been prescribed Letrozole by another doctor over a year ago. This doctor was an REI (Reproductive Endocrinologist and Infertility Specialist). Dr. Cook wasn’t my REI. She filled in for the REI I normally saw, Dr. Slowey. When Dr. Cook prescribed Letrozole to me, she didn’t give me any real directions other than to take it daily. I was on it for three months straight, paired with a birth control pill.

As I was explaining the side effects of being on Letrozole for so long to Dr. Carter, I saw her face change to pure shock. She said, “Letrozole is a chemotherapy drug for breast cancer patients! It does induce ovulation, like Clomid does, but you only take it for 5 days! No wonder you lost your mind! You should have been committed to the hospital.”

I couldn’t believe it. A doctor put me on a medication for three months that made me suicidal and homicidal. I stopped taking it because I knew I was mentally in a dark and dangerous place.

I looked at my husband in disbelief. This appointment was filled with such a wide range of emotions. Frankly, the list of bad doctors and my bad experiences with them will be a blog for another day.

Dr. Carter then started telling me that we could try Clomid. I could even try Letrozole again…but there would be strict directions and I’d only take it 5 days out of the month. The relief I felt!

“Never lose hope. Storms make people stronger and never last forever.”
~Roy T. Bennett

Suddenly, we had a plan. After the New Year we would pay for my husband’s semen analysis. I’ve never taken Clomid. The directions are relatively simple. I start the lowest dose on day 5 of my cycle. I take it for 5 days. This will stimulate my ovaries to produce eggs and ovulate. Dr. Carter said that each month we increase the dosage. I’ll try Clomid for the next 6 months. After the last dose each month my husband and I will have to dance every other day.

This doctor’s appointment was filled with information. I spent so much time worrying about whether or not I was ovulating. Daily pain is a problem. But knowing that I have a chance…while this might not be IVF, I feel like it’s a step in the right direction.

“You have survived 100% of your worst days. The odds are in your favor.”

~ Susie Lemmer

“Life is about how much you can take and keep fighting, how much you can suffer and keep moving forward.“

~ Anderson Silva

My mind takes me to a very dark place sometimes. All things being said, I’m normally happy. Or, at the very least I put on a mask that portrays happiness; whether I am or not.

My current situation is that my period is 27 days late. I cannot even count the amount of pregnancy tests I have taken. I don’t fool myself into thinking that I see a faint line—a faint possibility that any of them were remotely positive.

Each day, I find that I am driving myself a little bit more insane. Am I pregnant? If I am then why aren’t the tests positive? If I’m not pregnant…then what’s wrong with me?! I have an appointment next week to see my gynecologist; I need to decide if I want to do yet another laparoscopy and then Orlissa, or just try taking Orlissa.

But am I pregnant?!

Here comes more insanity—if I am pregnant then I am literally torturing myself daily over my medications. I am in a tremendous amount of pain. I take a variety of medications and half of them are not healthy to take during pregnancy. I stopped taking my antidepressant (yet ANOTHER reason I am in a deep mental pit of ugliness), but I still have to take medication for pain. I was informed during my last pregnancy that it’s worse on the baby to suffer with high pain levels over 7.5 than to just take the medication for pain. Still, I beat myself up because I worry what the medication could do to an unborn baby. Even if I’m only 8 weeks.

I read that phenergan can cause false negatives in pregnancy tests. YAY!!! Right?! That’s a medication I took regularly. I haven’t taken it in two weeks. Last week, I STILL got a negative test result.

If I’m not pregnant and I’ve skipped two periods…what’s wrong with me?! What if my doctor does the surgery and there’s something seriously wrong? I’m scared and I’m driving myself crazy. I’m not taking half of the medication that have been prescribed for me—medication that is relatively important for my immediate health and sanity. Blood pressure, antidepressant, anti-nausea, and muscle relaxers. I even stopped taking my migraine preventative. I have Excedrin that I take for my migraines but it has caffeine and aspirin in it and I know those are contraindicated during pregnancy as well.

Want to hear even more of my crazy behavior this past month? I have been looking at pregnancy announcements on Pinterest.

I love the idea of announcing in December, making Christmas ornaments with rainbows and due dates as gifts to surprise my loved ones. Especially the onesies that announced the due date of our rainbow baby. I wanted to be pregnant. I really wanted that to be the reason I was 27 days late.

This morning, my questions have been answered. I’m not pregnant. I started my period 27 days late. Which means I’m not ovulating normally. I skipped an entire monthly cycle. So, something IS wrong.

After mentally torturing myself for the past month, it isn’t enough that I started my period. I opened Facebook and saw a pregnancy announcement from a friend announcing her second child. Her announcement mirrored the ones I so badly wanted to send out…if my body wasn’t a failure. It was like an extra insult; a gut punch followed by kicking me while I’m down.

I can’t even cry anymore. I’m just numb now. I’ve felt every single emotion this past weekend alone. I’m emotionally burnt out. These are the times I struggle to put on my “personality mask”. That’s what I call the one where I happen to be personable, nice, all smiles, and put together. It’s also kinda draining.

No mask today. Today, I need my big girl panties, my adult pants, paired with work boots. Life is going to keep ticking by. I can’t hit a pause button so I can break down. I’ve cried enough. There’s dishes in my sink and laundry to be washed. I may not laugh, I may not smile, but my house will be clean.

“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.”

~ Denis Waitley