Month: October 2019

“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.”

~Margaret Thatcher

They come in so many shapes and colors, all of them claiming to be easy to read. Yet, the directions, and the code to deciphering your results, are on a paper that unfolds to the size of map—like the kind we used to keep in our glove compartments when we went on vacation.

You wouldn’t think a stick you peed on would be so finicky. If it’s digital you can’t tilt it up or it won’t work, and you’ve wasted an expensive test. I gave up and started testing with a cup. I hated peeing on the stick only to have to move it like it was a tiny bomb about to explode urine, and my results, all over my face—just because I tilted it wrong. I’ve over peed on tests and gotten no result before. I’m not sure what’s more frustrating: 1) over peeing on a stick and getting an error, thus having to wait until I need to pee again, or 2) getting a result I don’t understand and then having to open my map to decode little lines.

Pee sticks aside-I’m late. I don’t mean that I am running behind to get to some appointment. No, Aunt Flo is late. Normally, a woman in my position (one who has been trying to get pregnant for over four years now) would be out buying pregnancy tests and overjoyed at the possibilities of Aunt Flo coming up MIA.

Well, we all know I’m not normal. So all the happy, excited crap goes right out the window, for now. I have three (yes, 3!) separate apps on my phone that I use to keep track of my cycle. Two of them are pretty accurate. To be fair, I’ve been using them both for a couple years. The third app is new. Which is one reason I believe it’s readings are different. My two reliable apps have me at two days late—still not over concerning considering the fact that Aunt Flo is unreliable and unpredictable. Not to mention MEAN, and has a tendency to overstay her welcome. The new app, however, has me listed at 7 days late. Suddenly…I’m scared. What if I’m pregnant?

This is great news!! So…why am I so scared? I want to be pregnant again so desperately…but fear has a solid grip on my heart, my stomach, and my mind.

I looked into my husband’s eyes and said, “I can’t lose another one.” I’ve prayed over my womb, “Please Lord! Let me be pregnant.” The fear is slowly sinking it’s ugly claws into my soul. I know I’m not alone. I watched as tears came to my husband’s eyes, and I heard him choke back an agreement.

I say I’m not going to buy a single pregnancy test—of any kind. I’m afraid. How can I be so afraid of something I want so desperately? The want and desire for another child has ingrained itself into my heart and soul.

Fear of loss is always the first thought that comes to mind. The second thought doesn’t even become a fear immediately. Fear might even be the wrong word.

By the time I’ve gotten the courage to take a pregnancy test at home, I’ve got a doctors appointment the next day and I’ve made up my mind that I’m pregnant. My fear is gone and I’m looking at my expected due date. I’m looking at Pinterest for announcement ideas, gender reveal parties, and baby shower themes.

This time around, I’m not playing any games! I pull out a digital pregnancy test and I check the directions ensuring that I’ve followed them perfectly. I want to make sure there are no errors and no wrong turns. I cut off the bathroom light, shut the door behind me and pace around my kitchen.

This is when the fear slowly creeps back up. It’s positive. Right? I mean…it’s gotta be! But…what if it isn’t? No. No way. It’s definitely positive. Three minutes later I’m tired of arguing with myself and I enter my bathroom timidly. There I am, standing alone in my master bathroom; a grown woman scared of a stick covered in my own pee. My back is flat against the closed door, staring at my sink. I’ve never walked so slowly in my life. Each step brings me closer to the test. I get close enough to see the digital words showing my results.

NOT PREGNANT. Again.

My reaction varies each time this happens. Some months I just place the test in the trash and go about my day. Today, my reaction wasn’t so…mature. I turned my back to that cussed urine filled stick of disappointment and let out a deep grow/scream full of frustration! I turned around (still growl/screaming), grabbed the test and threw it as hard as I could at the bathroom trash can. To add insult to injury, it bounced right back out.

Eventually, I’m going to have to learn to follow my own advice and take my problems as they come. Just because I faced pregnancy loss in the past doesn’t mean it will happen again. Worrying will only stress me out and cause more problems if I am pregnant. Like my husband said, in his infinite wisdom, “Don’t worry about that. We’ll face it IF it comes. Not before.” When will I learn to give to God and let go? What’s meant to happen will happen. I have to move forward no matter the outcome- positive or negative, loss or successful birth.

There are positives here. I don’t quite know what they are right now but hopefully I’ll see them fully tomorrow.

“I am learning to trust the journey even when I do not understand it.”

~Mila Bron

“Worry is my worst enemy… an enemy I unleash upon myself.” ~ Terri Guillemets

Anxiety has always been a part of my life. I’ve always been a bit neurotic. Hence, the title My Aberrant Life! I was even diagnosed this way as a teenager.

Everybody experiences anxiety from time to time. It’s human nature and it’s imbedded in us neurologically for survival. Some of us experience anxiety more often than we should; such as during times of rest when there is no real threat.

You know what anxiety feels like, right? We’ve all been there before. For me, anxiety builds; sometimes slowly, and sometimes quickly. It starts with shortness of breath (I feel like I can’t breathe), my heart is racing, I become restless, my hands start to shake, I get a headache, my chest hurts, there is flutters and a tightening of my throat and stomach. The anxiety attack can get so bad that it turns into a panic attack and then I honestly don’t know what to do because I’m lost and I feel like I’m going to die of a heart attack.

I’ve gotten so good at control over the years that my husband rarely saw any anxiety. He knew I had panic attacks. Especially, before doctors appointments. Ive learned how to mask a lot of things. I mask the amount of pain I am in, most days. The mask I wear to hid my pain is the same mask I use to mask my anxiety. I guess you would call that control. I am ashamed of both of them so, I hide them and any neurotic thoughts I might have.

I’ve learned to control some of my neurotic tendencies. What does it mean to be neurotic, you ask? According to WebMD, neurotic means “afflicted with neurosis”. In basic terms, it’s an anxiety disorder. “At it’s root, a neurotic behavior is an automatic unconscious effort to manage deep anxiety” (WebMD History of Neurosis). The anxiety a neurotic person experiences is different from the anxiety that is considered normal. It’s more intense and obsessive and becomes an integral part of how a person deals with everyday life. It’s the thought patterns that usually get me. I try not to be negative, feel guilty, be irritable, or moody. It helps that my husband is the complete opposite of me. Because of him, I’ve balanced out a great deal.

The truth is, though, that I feel anxious more often than I should. There are times that I can be sitting on the couch, watching TV, and suddenly I’m beginning to have an anxiety attack. I feel like I’m forgetting something. What did I forget to do? I know that there is nothing that I am forgetting nor is there anything that needs to be done with a deadline. So what in the world is it that I’m forgetting that is so important that I am freaking out internally? I think my anxiety is such a deeply ingrained part of me that a single unconscious thought can bring on an anxiety attack. My house is a mess. This is too much for me to do alone. It will cause a flare up and I’ll be in so much pain tomorrow that I can’t function. Part of me doesn’t necessarily feel like this is a negative thought, but it really is and it brings on pure panic.

As these thoughts go through my head, I’m sitting on the couch, freaking out mentally, and my husband is none the wiser. The whole time I’m just taking slow deep breaths, and acting normal. I keep going hoping for relief. I may tell him how I feel. Until my recent doctors’ appointment, I don’t know how much he really knew.

Human interaction is difficult for me as well. I always feel so awkward. I never really know how to act like a “normal” person. I can run across an old classmate in the grocery store and before the conversation is over, I’m already anxious because for some unknown reason, I feel awkward. Did I say too much? Was it too much personal information? Did I come off as weird? My anxiety makes me feel like I am the butt of every joke, that people will start laughing at me the moment I leave. It all makes me doubt my self-worth, my intelligence, my talents, and even my sanity.

I even struggle after visiting my own family, and even my husbands family. I don’t have many friends for this same reason. My anxiety has me convinced that everyone hates me and is talking about me. It leads me to doubting the people around me. Sending text messages is painful. What do I say? They haven’t responded! Ugh! Why do I bother? I always believe that the worst is going to happen. Anxiety is imbedded into my psyche. I have no idea what to do with compliments. Are they legitimate? Is it mocking me? How do I respond if it’s a true compliment?! I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about what I did, should have done and if a certain situation occurs what I would do in the future. Not to mention the thoughts about the next day. Washing the dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house, finances, my daughters school work, will I be able to do that painting, things I need for said painting, and so on, and so on forever.

I’ve told you about my everyday anxiety. But what about those situations that lead me into straight panic attacks? I’ve never really done well before any doctors’ appointment. Gynecologists are the worst really. I’ve seen some who treated me like I was crazy, or seeking pain medication. I’ve been dismissed countless times. When every ounce of your pain is physically real, and doctor after doctor tells you that they can’t help you, or that the pain you feel is in your head (because there’s no such thing as pain that keeps you from doing every day activities) you start to doubt yourself. You start to distrust the people in the medical profession. The exams doctors have to perform on me…on women in general…are so painful! Not to mention I believe I have PTSD from my first exam.

I was 14. I had the doctor between my legs, my mother above my head holding my hands and shoulders, and a nurse at each leg holding them apart. I was shaking, crying, screaming, and terrified. I felt humiliated. The pain was so intense. Nowadays, I try to take myself somewhere else mentally each time. My husband has to help me through these attacks before every doctors’ appointment. Even though I am at the point of knowing what’s going to happen with most of my doctors now, because I have an established relationship with them, I still feel some level of anxiety beforehand.

I recently went to a new doctor; a Rheumatologist. This is where my husband got to hear what I’ve been struggling with. I know that’s why he always comes with me. I think that he wants to make sure he is always clued in to where I am mentally, emotionally, and physically. Before this appointment I obsessed over what this doctor was going to do, what tests he would run, whether he would take me seriously or not. I’ve been dismissed by so many doctors that I almost can’t function in a realistic way before appointments with new doctors.

This Rheumatologist was friendly, patient, and openminded. He agreed that anxiety was a problem I was facing. He did bloodwork and a physical examination where he concluded that I also suffered from Fibromyalgia. His solution? Tai Chi and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a knowledgeable licensed therapist.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”
~ Maya Angelou

For me, I know it’s the way I think. It’s the past, trying to scratch its ugly way into my content present-life. We all can change some aspect of our life for the better. Anxiety when there is so present danger, at times of rest in our life, is a signal that something isn’t right, even if we can’t identify it. It could be a chemical imbalance, or something in your life that needs a change: a toxic relationship, leaving a job or finding a new one, maybe it’s lack of spirituality, or a need for meditation or an increase in exercise.

“I just give myself permission to suck. I find this hugely liberating.”

~ John Green, author of The Fault in Our Stars

I know I am safe. I need to remind myself daily that it’s okay to relax. Nothing is really wrong. It’s time for me to truly not care about what others think of me. Fear and worry are distractions that do not come from God. If I am honestly a Christian woman then the Bible is my guidebook.

“This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

~ Joshua 1:9 NLT

The Bible speaks about fear, anxiety, and worry 365 times, maybe more. It’s a myth that it states “do not fear” 365 times. The Bible refers to ways of helping us cope with fear, anxiety, and worry. The main goal is letting us know that God doesn’t want us to struggle with anxiety and He is there for us every single day of the year and throughout our lifetime.

“Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dealing with anxiety means we are human. It’s going to be okay. This moment of worry, fear, panic, and anxiety will pass. You are not alone.

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

~ Matthew 6:34 NLT