Month: September 2019

“I hope that my daughter grows up empowered and doesn’t define herself by the way she looks but by qualities that make her an intelligent, strong and responsible woman.” ~Isaiah Mustafa

There are so many things I hope to teach my daughter. I keep a journal where I write to her as often as I can. I guess my goal is that she will have something left of me, whenever I leave this world. Something she can go to often and hear my voice as she reads words written in my handwriting. I’ve been thinking of lessons and things that would make her life easier if she had someone actually tell her. Like a life manual. Who wouldn’t want that? So, I’m going to share it with you. Even though these are for my daughter I think anyone can take something away from each of these rules. So let’s begin!

1. Find friends who make you a better person. True friends love you for you. They support you, make you feel good, challenge you to be a better person. True friends never make you feel less than a whole person. Make sure you are choosing the kind of friends who will lift you up and influence you in a good way, and bend over backwards to keep them. We are the sum of the 5 people that we spend the most time with, and so make sure you’re keeping friends who will sway you TOWARDS Jesus and not away from him. If a friend isn’t like this, let them go! There are billions of wonderful people in the world, so don’t waste time on anyone who makes you feel otherwise.
2. Comparisons Kill. It’s unhealthy. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. We are all different and those differences make us special and unique. We can learn from each other’s differences. I think that is the whole point.
3. Make lists. It’ll help you stay organized. It feels good to cross items off when they are done and you will feel like you have accomplished something.
4. Step out of your comfort zone. Staying in your comfort zone will prevent you from reaching your goals. You have to move out of it to grow and learn.
5. Be an adventurous eater. Try new foods often. Expand your tastes.
6. Never judge a book by its cover. It’s the inside, the content, and heart of a person that matters. A lot of times we can’t look deeper than the surface and aren’t aware of the struggles a person is going through.
7. Most people in the world will pre-judge you, based solely on your appearance. You don’t get a second chance to correct a bad first impression. So make it count! Take pride in your appearance. Keep your hair clean and tidy. Wash your face! Bathe regularly (I have a seven year old…I’m hoping this won’t have to be a reminder as she gets older)! Make sure your clothes are neat and that they match.
8. The Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Be kind and compassionate and try to understand where they’re coming from. There will always be people you like and dislike. Learn how to get along with people.
9. Read and study the Bible. It has an answer to every problem you will ever have. (2 Timothy 3: 16-17)
10. Don’t be a people pleaser! You will find that you will never be happy. Learn when to say “yes” and when to say “no”. Do what’s right, whether it’s popular or unpopular.
11. Live alone once in your life. It’s good for you to spend time by yourself. This is really the only way to get to know yourself in a way that no other experience can offer. When you live with other people you have to conform and compromise the things in your life so that you all get along. There may be rules that you disagree with. Plus, when you live alone you can walk around in your underwear without causing an up-roar!
12. Don’t complain. Be a problem solver, not a whiner. When you don’t like the way things are going, figure out a way to change them. Your life is in your own hands and in your own control.
13. Admit when you’ve made a mistake. It’s called accountability. Take responsibility for your actions. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to or shouldn’t do (unless they have a gun to your head, you know what I mean?). Don’t blame your mistakes on anyone else.
14. Don’t make excuses. Own up to your mistakes! (See above!) If you don’t want to do something, be honest. Just simply say, “I can’t”, or “That doesn’t work for me”, or you can simply say, “No”. If you get into the habit of making up an excuse as to why you can’t go or why you can’t do something, you risk getting caught in a lie. You also are causing yourself unnecessary anxiety. Just be honest.
15. Never lie to yourself or anyone else. Honesty is the best policy. In most situations. The painful truth is better than a messy lie and lies do get messy. There are times when little white lies can make a pass. Those are situational and you will learn through life when to use those correctly. However, I appreciate honesty, even when I ask if those pair of jeans, or if this shirt, or this dress, looks good on me. I don’t want to leave the house looking horrible, or even worse…fat! Tell me!
16. “Can’t” is a cop-out. Just try. Never be afraid of failure; true greatness is only achieved by learning from our mistakes, failure is one the life’s greatest teachers. As long as we listen, learn and progress forward, then the only failure is not trying.
17. Ask for help. You’ll learn and grow.
18. People are not perfect. You are going to be disappointed more often than not.
19. Forgiveness is imperative. Forgiveness is the only way to really let go of anger and to be happy. Forgive, even if they don’t apologize. If you hold on to grudges or to anger and hurt, it’s like drinking poison thinking that it will kill the other person.
20. Be grateful. Show your gratitude to others and to God.
21. Don’t break promises. If you make a promise, keep it. It will break the trust you have built with people who are really important to you.
22. Don’t be passive aggressive. That’s immature. If you have a problem with someone, to straight to that person and talk to them about it. Don’t make snide comments or give them the silent treatment. Act like an adult.
23. Good Communication skills are important. It’s the basis for every healthy, strong relationship you will ever have; from work relationships, to friendships and especially intimate, romantic relationships.
24. Make eye contact. If a person is talking to you, stop what you are doing and make eye contact with them. This lets them know you are listening and engaged. People appreciate this. You would want the same treatment.
25. If people are talking about you behind your back (bad mouthed or name called) just smile. This just means that you are doing something right. Insecure and jealous people result to verbal personal attacks and insults.
26. Write in a journal. It will help you remember things. It’s like free therapy as well. You can get all the thoughts out of your head and onto paper, so you don’t sit and think about negative things. You can keep different journals for different things. Write down all the negative thoughts so you can be rid of them. Don’t go back and read anything in this journal. You write and forget! In another, you can write down all the positive thoughts so you can re-read them over again to keep you going.
27. Pray, and pray often. God is faithful but we need reminders of his faithfulness when it gets hard to remember. Keep a prayer journal, so you can look back and see how He has answered them.
28. Find a good Christian therapist. There is nothing wrong with having someone to talk to. Everyone can benefit from therapy. You will learn more about yourself, learn how to process emotions and deal with life experiences in a more healthy way. It’ll help correct all the damage your father and I did as new parents trying to raise you. It’s okay. We understand.
29. Realize that you are not going to change that person. Only God can change them and they have to want to change and be willing to work for it. But pay attention and be wary; if they hurt you before, they will do it again and again.
30. Wash your sheets every week and make your bed every day! Even if it is right before you get in it. There is something wonderful about clean sheets and a freshly made bed.
31. Don’t skimp on good sheets. Remember that the higher the thread count the softer the sheet, and the more likely it will wear well or even soften over time. Go for anything over 400.
32. Don’t wear holey or dirty underwear. Just in case you are in an accident and they have to cut your clothes off….
33. Travel light through life. Keep only what your need. Material things are replaceable and in the end you can’t take it with you.
34. It’s okay to cry when you are hurt. It’s also okay to smash things, throw things, and do a primal scream (in private, of course). Just be sure to wash your face, clean up the mess, and get up off the floor when you are done. You don’t belong down there.
35. If you are going to curse, be clever. Know what you are saying. Use the words correctly. If you are going to curse around other people, know your audience. In other words, try not to cuss in front of small children, or your grandparents. Or me.
36. Happiness isn’t a permanent state. Happiness comes and goes in life. However, if you can find wholeness, then you will find that to be permanent. Try not to confuse happiness and wholeness. They are different. Wholeness brings peace, and contentment. It’s much better than happiness.
37. Remember your P’s and Q’s. Say “Please”, “thank you”, and “pardon me” whenever the situation warrants it. Also, we are southern; this means we say “sir” and “ma’am” when addressing our elders.
38. Reserve “I’m sorry” for when you truly are. Never, ever, ever follow “I’m sorry” with “but”. It negates the apology and makes you sound insincere.
39. If you have an opinion you better know why. Be able to defend your opinions. Don’t just throw out words or opinions with no references to back it up.
40. Question everything. Always ask questions. Trust only your intuition.
41. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
42. Ask for what you want. The worst thing they can say is no. Rejection isn’t the end of the world.
43. Everything is always okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
44. Most things you worry about never happen. We have a tendency to replay things in our head. We worry about the worst things that could possibly happen. But they rarely do. Things work out. No matter how hard things are at that moment…things change like lightning. Always find the rainbow and silver lining.
45. Wish on stars and dandelions. It’s important to wish and dream. But don’t be idle. You have to go after them for them to come true. Only you can make your dreams come true.
46. Nothing in life is free. Nothing in life is easy. Nothing will be handed to you. Everything in life comes with a price and must be worked for. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty, and don’t be afraid of working for what you want.
47. Be generous. Stuff is just stuff. People and relationships are what life is about. Give freely when others are in need without expecting anything in return. This will bring you amazing karma, life you up out of depression or sadness. You will see that not everything is about you and that your situation isn’t as bad as you thought.
48. Walk away from drama. Drama and strife are everywhere, especially among girls and women. You do not have to take part in any of it. It will make things so much more difficult. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t tell tales or spread gossip. Be a light, a breath of fresh air.
49. Don’t gossip. Never say anything behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t say to their face. If you wouldn’t tell Jane that her haircut is horrible, her acne makes her look like the surface of the moon, and that her over bite that makes her look like a horse…don’t say it to a “friend”. That friend will tell someone else who will then tell Jane what you said. Imagine that confrontation.
50. No one likes a know-it-all. It’s okay to be smart. But understand that you don’t know everything. Be open to the opinions and suggestions of other people.
51. Be an example worth following. You never know who is watching and looking up to you.
52. Learn something from every one you meet. Every human being has something to teach you. You don’t have to let everyone into your private bubble (life) but you can extend love to them and learn from their life lessons.
53. You are no one’s savior. Be a friend, an inspiration. Love people and lend them an ear, listen and show acceptance, but leave the saving to Jesus.
54. Fight when necessary. There will be times in your life when you have to stand up for something you believe in. You should have ideals worth fighting for and you should not be afraid to defend them.
55. Use your library card. Reading is fun and a great way to escape and relax. It’ll also make you a better writer.
56. Live in the present and constantly look forward. Dwelling on the past and staring in the rear-view mirror will only lead to a crash. You can’t move forward looking in reverse…or even worse, at a standstill, beaten up in a crash of thoughts and emotions from things you can’t change. Look forward to things that haven’t happened yet and the things that you can control.
57. Research every person running for office, yourself. Find out how they voted in the past. Watch their interviews. Listen to their answers and their body language and micro-facial expressions. Look up what they have done in their prior positions. What they have said and done in the past will dictate how they will be once they are elected. Follow your own opinion. Don’t be influenced by anyone else.
58. Who you vote for is a private thing. You don’t have to tell anyone who you vote for. During any election…for any position. It’s your right to vote how you want and your right to keep it to yourself. People will judge you based on how you vote politically. So just play your cards close to your chest. Don’t even talk politics at work or through any venue when working with the public. You can alienate people without even meaning to.
59. Learn how to take care of yourself financially and physically. Learn to clean, cook, sew, do your own laundry, and take care of your car. Learn how to defend yourself physically and verbally. Learn how to handle, care for, and shoot a gun. Learn how to hunt. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Learn how to balance a checkbook. Learn how to read and write in cursive.
60. Read Proverbs 31 10-31 which offers a picture of a Godly woman. She is active and assertive, strong and capable. She makes things happen. She’s a hard worker, she’s kind, her words are used wisely, she takes care of her family, and she fears and loves the Lord.
61. A good man isn’t threatened by a strong, independent, intelligent woman. In fact, he is looking for one and will respect and cherish her. A good man will treat his woman as an equal.
62. Before committing to a relationship, watch how he treats a waiter, a valet, and especially his mother. Watch how he treats people who are serving you. If he is kind and tips well…then you are on the right track. But if he is rude to servers and doesn’t tip when he should, then you need to move on. The same goes with his mother. If he is kind and respectful to his mother then there’s a good chance he will treat you and other women similarly. If he is just plain rude and disrespectful to his mother, RUN!
63. Know your worth. If a friend or boy isn’t willing to treat you like the beloved daughter of God, that you are, then run away. Don’t settle for less just to avoid being alone. There are worse things than being alone. One of them is being in a relationship and still feeling alone. That’s even worse. At least when you are alone you can be happy.
64. Don’t rely on someone else to make you happy. If you’re not happy now, you won’t be happy with a boyfriend, with a husband, with a child, with a new cat, or even new shoes. Be happy with yourself. Learn to love yourself and Jesus and the things you already have. If you can’t love yourself and be happy with yourself you will never be happy with someone else. You can’t find love if you don’t love yourself first.
65. Marry someone who makes you laugh. Marry someone who is fun to be around. If you can’t laugh together, you will never weather the storm of life together. Get to know him so well that you can take one look at him and just know if something has happened, if he is upset, or if he is hurt. Know him so well that you have inside jokes and never explain them to anyone else.
66. Don’t keep secrets from your husband.
67. The most beautiful quality a woman can have is confidence.
68. Parents don’t know everything. Once you have your own children you will understand this better. We do have more experience and because of that you should listen to us, but we are still learning. Be patient with us.
69. Before you decide to drink alcohol, try marijuana, or smoke cigarettes, you need to know about them; their side effects, what they do to the body, and most importantly, why you want to try it. Peer pressure is inevitable. But it’s not a good reason to start doing something that could be potentially dangerous, and puts you in a vulnerable situation. Once you start you need to know the dangers, and how you will look and act while under the influence. The people who are with you may not be the most trust worthy. They may not look out for your safety. Personally, cigarettes are addictive and dangerous. They smell and you will smell. Nothing good will come from them. Been there, done that. Believe me when I say…avoid it.
70. Never walk through an alley. There are no cameras and it’s just plain dangerous.
71. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t drive under the influence of anything.
72. If you go to a party and you are the only female, leave! Even if you have a female friend with you…Leave! If you go to a party and there are way more men than women, and there are drugs and alcohol present, then you can’t possibly be safe. You will be taken advantage of and you need to leave immediately.
73. Love is an action, not just a word. Only by the way someone treats you, how they show you they love you, will you know if it’s true. Judge by behavior, not words. Lying, doesn’t equate to love. Love is kind, understanding, and supportive. It’s positive. You and your spouse will argue, but if you can communicate openly, and calmly, you will make it through.
74. True love is about affection, selflessness, and generosity. If these qualities aren’t there, neither should you be. Loneliness, re-enacting the past, outside pressure, or shared friends, aren’t reasons to stay with someone.
75. Abuse comes in many forms; know them and avoid relationships with them. If he ever lays a hand on you, he will do it again and again. If he puts you down, degrades you, controls what you do, makes you stay away from your own friends and family, then he is an abuser. There is physical abuse, but people forget about mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. Those take longer to heal from than bruises and broken bones. Be strong enough and smart enough to know when a relationship is toxic.
76. People aren’t mind readers. Say what you feel and be confident in your decisions. Communication is a two way street. Listen to others when they speak. Don’t interrupt. Communication is the basis for a strong relationship of any kind.
77. It’s important to love your job. Make your passion your career.
78. Debt is soul crushing. It is one thing to get a loan for a car, or a home, but make sure you can pay the payment every month. Avoid credit cards and other forms of debt. If you need to get a student loan…make sure you KNOW what you are going to school for and that you will be able to USE that degree or you’ll have debt for what feels like the rest of your life, that you can’t get out from under.
79. Start saving money with your first job; make saving habitual. It doesn’t matter what your first job is, the moment you start earning money of any kind, you should start saving. You may not think that it is important but no one will pay you when you turn 65 but you. And if you have no money by then, well, you’re screwed.
80. Save a little of your paycheck towards your “nest egg”. It may be only $1 at a time in the beginning but that nest egg will allow you to quit that insane job that you hate, or have money for any emergency that may come around. It could grow to be there for your retirement. It’s important to have so that you aren’t so worried about going from paycheck to paycheck.
81. Be aware of washing labels. Check the tags in your clothes. They will tell you the best way in which to wash that particular piece of clothing. It will also tell you what material it is made from, which will help if you need to iron it. Learn to iron. It sucks…but it’s important.
82. Buy generic whenever possible. Here’s the thing…most generic brands are either identical in their ingredients or at least very similar to their name brand competitors. You pay more for the name brand even though they are identical; you are essentially paying for the name. However, this being said, there are certain brands that you just have to buy name brand. Q-tips…always buy name brand Q-tips.
83. Stay true to you when you start dating, and you “fall in love”. You aren’t in love. You are infatuated. There is nothing wrong with this. It’s normal. It happens at the beginning of every relationship. It’s intense. Just know that you don’t have to change who you are when you are around him, or even when you aren’t around him. Don’t fall out of sync with who you are because you have fallen for a guy. Keep your friends, interests and alone time. These are all important too.
84. Most fairy tales were written by men, at a different time, for a different audience. They aren’t realistic. There is no prince charming, no fairy god-mother, and you don’t need a man to come to your rescue. Don’t model your life, your love life especially, after fairy tales.
85. Just because you are dating him doesn’t mean you will marry him. Sorry! The truth is that you will do a lot of dating. You will date different guys. You may fall in love more than once. Dating gives you an idea of what you want in a partner and in a relationship.
86. The older you are the more likely chance of you having a successful marriage. You can’t control when you meet the one you will marry. When you are young you change and grow. You aren’t stable financially and the things you want in life are going to change. When you are older, in your twenties for example, you are more set in what you want. The same goes for him. There is a better chance that you two will want the same thing.
87. Friends make the best spouses. Friendship is the greatest basis for a romantic relationship. The person you fall in love with should be a good friend. They will already know you well, and with friendship comes a loving, caring, relationship.
88. Break-ups suck. There is no way around them. At some point, the pain will subside and you will feel better. Just learn from the experience and know that I’m here for you…with chocolate and brownies and ice-cream!
89. If you are being ghosted (you haven’t heard from them after a date), move on. If you went out with someone and you really like them but they haven’t returned any calls, text messages, or they break plans over and over, then move on. They are trying to tell you, without having to actually tell you, that they aren’t interested. They aren’t worth it anyways and you can do better.
90. Don’t text and drive. Don’t text and drive and don’t talk on the phone and drive. If you have a hands free device, make sure you use it properly. Don’t take your eyes off the road.
91. If you are going to break up with someone do it kindly, thoughtfully, and quickly.
92. If you break up with someone, don’t leave it open ended. Make sure that it is clear that the relationship is over.
93. Don’t break up digitally. Text messaging and Direct and Instant Messaging are great, but not for breaking up. Don’t break up with someone through text, DM or IM, or voicemail. It’s just cruel. Do it face to face. Sometimes this isn’t possible and break-ups can happen quickly. So don’t beat yourself up if you end up breaking up digitally.
94. Avoid name calling and insults. Words are hard to take back once they’ve been thrown out in anger.
95. Have boundaries and know what your deal breakers are. Once you start a relationship you need to make it clear what your boundaries are and what you want, like, and dislike. Make sure they know them, they understand them, and they agree to them.
96. Your body, your rules. Don’t rush into a physical relationship. If you aren’t ready to have sex, don’t let some boy try to manipulate you into it. If he tells you he “loves you and that if you love him you’ll do it”, or “everyone else is doing it”, it’s a lie! If he truly loved you, he would wait for you to be ready, and he would understand and be patient. There would be no lies and manipulative ploys to get into your pants. Love isn’t necessarily a reason, or even an excuse, to have sex. You need to be mature enough to handle the consequences of sex. There’s pregnancy and STD’s out there which are permanent, and difficult to deal with, and not worth a few moments of pleasure.
97. Know your body. There are so many reasons for this. It will help you now when something is wrong, health wise. It will also help you when you are ready for an intimate relationship. You will know what you like and don’t like and you will be able to tell your spouse.
98. You don’t just marry him. When you get married, you also marry his family. So get to know them well, BEFORE you actually marry him. Try and build a relationship with your in-laws before the wedding. They can make your life better or they can make your life miserable. Either way, they will be a part of your life and you may need them at some point. Accept any kindness, help, and generosity, with grace.
99. No matter what, remember that you can always come home.
100. No one loves you like your father and I do. We will always be here for you. We love you unconditionally.