Month: August 2019

I’ve been expecting it for days. I’ve been grumpy, grouchy, bitchy, hungry, sleepy, weepy, achy…you know, ALL the dwarves of menstruation. This morning I felt amazing. Too amazing… I should have been more suspicious, really. How often do I feel THAT GOOD?

It was just a normal bathroom break, or so I thought. The moment I see that flash of red, I have an immediate physical reaction. Maybe it’s psychosomatic or maybe the pain is legitimate. I don’t really know. Honestly, I don’t think it matters. Pain is pain and I definitely felt pain.

Along with Aunt Flo dropping by in her usual unwelcome fashion, I felt just plain icky. Let’s make that another dwarf of menstruation: Icky! I laid in bed and wished for sleep, relief, or a quick painless death. Seeing as I’m writing this instead, I guess you can see I received none of the above!

No matter how hard I try, Aunt Flo just annoys me. Everyone I love gets the short end of the stick for a week…or a week and a half…sometimes more depending on how bad my pre-Aunt Flo experience is (PMS in case my mediphors and euphemisms aren’t landing clearly…after all, Aunt Flo brings brain fog in her carryon).

Hormones are an amazing aspect of the inner workings of the human body. They do amazing things. They tend to make me feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. They also turn me into the female version of the Hulk.

If you follow the Marvel Comics you’ll understand where I am coming from. While I say I feel like a female Hulk, I am no Jennifer Walters (the She-Hulk). Bruce Banner’s cousin retains her personality and is impervious to pain and disease, though strong emotion does makes her stronger.

Hormones don’t make me a superhero. It’s disappointing, I know. Whatever message they are transmitting through my body only succeed in making me grumpy once a month. My wonderful daughter uses seven year old speak, and says “Mommy’s grumpy”.

Sigh…Ugh….Yes, Mommy is a grumpy menstruator. I need to gather the eight dwarves that are hounding me and somehow make them more happy: chirpy, jolly, lively, merry, peppy, pretty, easy. If I can manage that, then maybe I do have superpowers.

“Feeling sorry for ourselves is the most useless waste of energy on the planet. It does absolutely no good. We can’t let our circumstances or what others do or don’t do control us. We can decide to be happy regardless.” ~ Joyce Meyer

Honestly, though, I am no different than any other woman, once a month. Aren’t we all just grumpy menstruators? My illnesses intensify the symptoms that are present for most women. I guess I have a right to just be grumpy! How I handle my mood changes is something that needs work. I guess I should strive to be less Mr. Hyde and more Jennifer Walters, the She-Hulk. What’s the word? Oh yes, control!

“All I can control is myself and just keep having a positive attitude.” ~ Rose Namajunas

“An artist cannot fail; it is a success to be one.” ~ Charles Horton Cooley

I’m an artist at heart. I don’t paint often anymore. So when I got the chance to paint and have my art seen, I jumped at the chance! I’ve learned a few things about myself in just a few days of painting.

I completely zone out. It’s me, the paint, the canvas, and music. While this produces wonderful results it also has led me to be snippy for being interrupted.

I can ignore pain, but only for so long. If I’m already in pain, it’s difficult for me to paint. I can do it but, I have to take a lot of breaks. I have to take care of myself. If I feel okay, then painting for any significant amount of time causes me to have pain. I will even swell.

I seem to become obsessive as I paint. I want to finish the painting I’m on before I move on to the next. But I also get stuck in the middle. I doubt myself and any talent I may have. So… I force myself to take a break and walk away.

If you have ever seen the movie “Clueless”, then you will understand my next statement. Photographs don’t lie. They don’t play a trick on you like your eyes will. If I take a picture of my work, and walk away for a bit, I can refer back to my picture and see if my proportions are correct.

I miss painting! I miss creating artwork tremendously. I don’t know if I will be able to produce 6 paintings…I’m going to try! So far I have one completed…and one almost done. I’ll make sure to share them with you, along with my experience of this whole ordeal.

If I am successful with these paintings, maybe I will get the courage to do more. I used to do graphite and charcoal drawings all the time. I originally started my college career in fine arts. Endometriosis and my exceptionally illegal social life ended that line of study for me. It’s one of my HUGE regrets in life. So I am classically trained but mostly self taught.

If I can do this…going through all that I have to deal with…I know I can do anything.

“I have a wild spirit and a less abled body, experiences don’t match up sometimes but I like to think I aspire to live large despite my limitations, out of my control.” ~ Nikki Rowe

I have many symptoms and there are many different aspects to my chronic illness. I took some time and really thought about my everyday life. I wrote down every single thing that I felt, and this is where I will tell you about each one and define what they are and why they are so flipping frustrating! The ones I have listed here are the ones I suffer from the most and the ones that are the most difficult to deal with, not only during flare ups but during a normal day.

I’ll start with Brain fog. I forget things often and easily. I write things down, move things to the counter so I will hopefully remember them, but I will still forget. I will be mid-sentence and forget what I was saying. I will forget words. I will stutter over words. I’ve walked into rooms and forgotten what I came in there for.

I have difficulty completing tasks. I will be 34 in September, and I need help doing things that most people take for granted. I need help getting in and out of the tub, getting dressed, cooking, cleaning, and running errands. Sometimes I’m so tired from showering and drying my hair that my husband has had to flat iron my hair for me. He’ll help me put my bra on, and my socks. I have to sit down and take a break in the middle of washing the dishes. These are things that should be easy for people my age to do.

Because of having difficulty completing tasks, I also have a fear of certain tasks. Sometimes showering scares me. Standing for too long is painful and it uses too much energy. I need help and by the time all is said and done I’m exhausted and my pain level is through the roof.

I have bowel and urinary issues. I fluctuate between constipation and diarrhea. Movements are painful and I’ve yelled out and cried in pain. It feels like labor at times. I also have trouble passing urine sometimes. I will have to push really hard to pee. I also experience frequent urination, where I pee a lot.

Due to the bowel issues I also experience bowel swelling. I will swell in my abdomen and I will look 6 months pregnant. It’s so painful and uncomfortable. I live in big shirts and leggings. This isn’t just physically painful; it’s emotionally painful. We are trying to conceive and most people know this. So if I go out and I have endo belly going on, people have actually asked me how far along I am in my pregnancy. Then I feel like I have to explain everything; which can be pretty darn depressing, let me tell ya.

Endometriosis causes pain in the worst places. I have abdominal pain, pelvic pain, and pain in my lower back, pain running down my legs, hip pain, and pain in my sides.

Due to the endometriosis, I have a lot of abdominal pain. But that’s not the only pain I have. I also have pain with intercourse. Sex has become painful; even becoming aroused hurts. This particular symptom is frustrating because it makes trying to conceive difficult.

I also have migraines. My migraines get so bad that I end up with projectile vomiting. I see spots before the migraine sets in. I have sensitivity to sound and light. They are sometimes hormonal and get worse around ovulation and my period. They last for a couple days. It’s one of the things that become hard to recover from. I recently had a migraine that lasted four days. I was throwing up by day three. I was throwing up so hard that I was throwing up blood. I hadn’t eaten or had anything to drink since day two of the migraine. I was dry heaving by the time I got in to see my doctor on day three. I received a shot of Nubain and Phenergan that helped some. By day four, I still had a headache and so I took 6 Excedrin. I was dehydrated and had a Urinary Tract Infection. There is a difference between a headache and a migraine. I have a headache almost daily. I get migraines a couple times a week.

I have nausea on a regular basis. I never know when I am going to feel like throwing up. It keeps me from eating whenever it decides to pop up. I don’t know when it will happen. It has gotten so bad that I do end up vomiting.

My weight fluctuates. I lose weight and gain weight randomly. Usually do to the hormone and chemotherapy treatments I am put on. I don’t eat much and I stay nauseated so the weight gain is the hardest to understand. I need to lose weight and dieting and exercising is difficult for me. When I do lose weight, it is due to medication; which means that I gain it right back.

Recently, I have discovered a new frustration among symptoms. Due to the chemotherapy and hormone therapy, I have a decreased bone density. This has caused weaker bones, weaker teeth, and teeth that are more susceptible to cavities, breaking, and other problems. I take care of my teeth and have very good dental hygiene but the chemotherapy has caused my teeth to break.  

I am clumsy. I always have been. I fall a lot, drop things. It’s due to a number of factors; pain, headaches, leg numbness, and even my medication can make me clumsy.

I suffer from extreme fatigue and exhaustion. There are days that I am so exhausted that I can’t stay awake. I fall asleep at random times. I could sleep all night but still be so tired all day. It feels like bricks have been tied to my legs, arms, and eyelids.

Like all women I have mood swings. Pain makes me snappy. Sometimes the medication causes me to be more emotional than I normally would be. Some of the fertility drugs that I have been on have turned me into a completely different person.

Certain foods cause me to have a flare up. Dairy causes gas, bloating, nausea, diarrhea and pain. Certain wines, beer, and wine-coolers can give me a headache. It’s 50/50 whether or not I’ll be able to finish a drink when I make it half way through.

Strong emotions cause flare ups. Anger is one emotion that I have had to learn to control. Once the adrenaline wears off, I am in excruciating pain that could last all day or longer. Crying causes a migraine which can last a day or more.

Stress affects everyone but it really affects those of us with chronic pain. Stress isn’t good for anyone. I know for me it will send my body into a downward spiral of pain. It also makes all these other symptoms I’ve listed erupt.

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but cancelling plans because one of these symptoms has taken over my life or I have fallen into a deep flare up and my body has decided to change my plans for me. I hate this! I used to be a pretty reliable, but that is a thing of the past now.

Lastly, and maybe one of the most frustrating symptoms of endometriosis is a heavy painful period. Honestly, I know that most people don’t want to hear this but my periods are so heavy that I am anemic. I have to take iron to keep myself from being hospitalized. There have been mornings that I woke up looking like I murdered someone in my bed while I slept. The bathroom is no different when I need to shower. There have been times I needed to clean the bathroom floor after the shower because I took too long to dry off.

This is my life. I live with these frustrations daily. I’ve kind of minimized my symptoms and their impact on my life. I do hope that if you read all three parts you have an idea of what the whole picture looks like. I hope that you have a new found respect for the people who suffer from invisible chronic illnesses. I’ve developed a mantra that I repeat over and over again, along with prayer, during the times when I’m in the most pain. “The pain I feel today, will not last forever.” My pain has a purpose and tomorrow is another day.