“I believe if you keep your faith, you keep your trust, you keep the right attitude, if you’re grateful, you’ll see God open up new doors.” ~Joel Osteen
There are a lot of circumstances in my life that have led me to where I am now. I tell people this all the time: “you can’t move forward if you are constantly looking behind you.” I have been unsuccessful in burying my past and just hauling tail away from it. Therapy only seemed to be a band-aid because I only succeeded in putting everything in a pretty little box and hiding it in a closet somewhere deep within myself.
Recently, I told my husband that I felt like we were not going to have a baby naturally. That we should just stop trying and go for IVF whenever we were able. My husband, Galen, in his infinite wisdom, said “Do you think, maybe, that’s fear talking? Fear isn’t of God. You know that.”
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control.” ~ II Timothy 1:7
The truth is…*DEEP BREATH*…I’ve spent my whole life in the church. My mother was a pastor in the United Methodist Church. As a PK (preacher’s kid) and more specifically a preachers’ daughter, you would think that I would have developed a solid faith foundation. I didn’t. Shocking, I know! My parents both were PhD’s and intellectuals. I understood the concept of faith and how it works. Can I say that I can utilize that knowledge and understanding? NO! I’ve come to realize, during my journey for a second child, that I’ve either lost faith (in God, people, the church, and even myself) or I never had it to begin with. I am a product of my life’s many circumstances. These circumstances have brought me to a place of fear, distrust, hopelessness, and a resulting anger. I am angry.
My whole life, I’ve felt like the only person I could count on was myself. I’m beginning to learn how untrue that is, But that independence…That need to control EVERYTHING…the need for it all to be PERFECT…it created a person who was bitter, resentful, and angry.
Every fear that was whispered into my mind.. I shoved it down. I trudged on. The result was like a pot of water on the stove. I shoved all those fears, all the bitterness, all the pain, into that pot on the stove deep within me. Everyday that went by, where I was trying alone and failing was bringing the heat up higher and higher under that pot. Eventually, it started boiling. I kept trying to stifle the contents, to keep them under control by putting a lid on it. Of course, we know what happens. It will boil over. Instead of trying to swallow it all, trying to control the constant simmer from erupting into boiling over, I should have just gone to the source and cut off the heat all together.
I spent years wearing a mask to conceal not only my emotions but my pain. I thought that this would protect my heart from every disappointment, every pregnancy announcement, birth announcement, and sonogram picture. Not to mention every well-meaning comment from people who are either misinformed or insensitive. The more time that passed, the more fears were growing in my mind. I’ve come to realize that those fears, those negative thoughts, don’t agree with the word of God. I think that was the moment that I realized I’d completely lost faith. At some point, I’d stopped reading my Bible. I’d stopped praying. All my problems, I never gave over to God. I continued to worry over things. I cried to my husband about my anger and my fear. I made a confession to Galen. I may understand the premise of faith, but I don’t know how to put the theory into practice. Especially “giving it to God and letting go”.
I’ve got a lot to learn. Everyday is another day to learn, another day to grow. I’ve been looking for pure, child-like happiness. Peace. How could I have been raised in the church, a preacher’s daughter, but I’m just now realizing that I don’t have faith in God? I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ and that He is my Lord and savior, who died for my sins. Something happened…struggling with secondary infertility, pain from endometriosis and adenomyosis constantly, anger and bitterness have started to eat me from the inside out. How do I fix it?
I’m beginning to realize that I look at faith the way bipolar depressives and schizophrenics look at their medication and mental health. When they feel better they stop taking their medication; not realizing that it’s the consistency of their medication making them better. I read the Bible and prayed until I felt better; then I would stop. If I would keep up with my spiritual health and spiritual medication, maybe I would feel better consistently.
“I, the Lord, do not change.” ~ Malachi 3:6
So, if God is constant and the Bible says God is the healer of all wounds and illnesses, if he can give sight to the blind, bring the dead back to life, and make the barren woman fertile…why hasn’t he blessed my husband and I? Why are my husband and I suffering so much? My husband has a great faith. His faith and hope for our future is strong.
Is my lack of faith the reason we aren’t being blessed? Obviously, I haven’t done everything. No one knows us better than the Lord. If I had spent more time getting to know Him the way he knows me, strengthened our relationship, lived my life for Him instead of myself…maybe I could be genuinely happy, and blessed by Him instead of bitter, angry and lonely.
What do I do now?
Are You there God? It’s me…Alex…
I’ve doubted, questioned, argued, rebelled, ignored, and fought God. I’m a scared little girl; angry and bitter because I put my hope and faith in something other than God. I’m realizing that misplaced hope led to my disappointments. God has never let me down. If I look back at my life, He’s carried me through so many trials, kept me alive, kept me out of jail, even.
“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not grow faint.” ~Isaiah 40:31
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord”. ~Isaiah 55:8
Hope doesn’t lead to disappointments. Hope gives strength to endure through the pain, the waiting, the trials.
It’s taken me almost a month to write this particular post. As I fought and cried, I realized God had been hearing me. His response has been to poke me in the forehead until I quit being a stubborn child and opened my eyes, my arms, and my heart, to Him…completely.
My focus should be on God first and foremost. My relationship with Him is more important than getting pregnant again. If I can strengthen our relationship everything else will follow.
The peace I’ve come to find in the last month has been eye opening. What is faith? Faith is knowing without a doubt that we will be okay. Faith and loving God is very similar to a marriage. I trust that my husband will never do anything to hurt me or my family. I trust that my husband will care and provide for us. We have to have open communication. It’s worth the work to keep our marriage strong. I know that the same goes for my relationship with the Lord. I trust Him. I communicate openly with Him daily. The Bible is there for guidance, support, and comfort. My life has more of a positive outlook. One I can honestly say that I have never seen before.
Are You there God? It’s me…Alex. I see You! My focus is planted and I will work hard to keep my faith rooted, growing and strong. My whole life I thought that my mother was the only constant thing I had. But it was and is You. You are the reason I have my husband and my daughter. Nothing is impossible with You by my side and in my heart. Please, Father, forgive me for being caught up in doubt and details. Continue to renew my hope and strengthen my faith. Heal me, Lord. Heal my broken heart and soul. Heal my empty womb. Heal my endometriosis and adenomyosis. Take my pain and make me whole. You are the Greatest Physician. You are the Creator and Maker of life. Help me conceive, carry without pain, and grow to full term. Bless me with an easy, trouble free delivery and quick recovery. I am joyful because I know you hear me! I know you will answer when the time is right, because my faith is not wavering and my hope is in you.
Thank you for having faith in me even when I was being a stubborn, scared little girl. I love you! In Jesus name I pray! Amen
My Aberrant Life 