Miscarriage, Spontaneous Abortion, Pregnancy Loss = I am 1 in 4
Pax
Two lines-barely visible,
Told me that you were there.
Other signs screamed of your presence...
But life's not fair.
We tried for so long;
Years you took to make.
But our happiness was gone in a blink...
Why did God choose your to take?
I didn't even get to see you.
8 months too soon.
Oh, yes! I felt you there, my love.
We were over the moon!
I knew when you were gone, Little One.
You left me as quickly as you came.
The pain rips through my heart!
I'll never be the same.
My heart is broken;
I have gut wrenching pain,
And still so many questions...
My tears fall in a torrential rain.
I can't stop thinking about you,
How I never felt you kick.
I'll never see your face.
All the while I'm just making myself sick.
Was it my fault?
Did my actions cause this?
Am I being punished for a sin unseen?
All of these I dismiss...
Have I failed my husband?
Will I never give him a son?
What of this large family
He has his heart set on?
I'm scared that I'm faulty.
That my womb is defective;
Diseased and unacceptable.
This loss was terrible;
Future losses would be unbearable.
You are forever my angel,
Named for peace to the max.
We need that now more than ever,
The perfect unborn, Pax.
Your time with me was a whisper,
But you left a resounding mark.
You will be acutely missed,
And forever in our hearts.
My God hold you close,
And love you as we do;
Always and forever,
No matter who ends up coming after you.
You were too beautiful for Earth.
I'll carry you in my heart
Since I'll never hold you in my arms.
In heaven is where your life will start.
We need hope, strength and courage.
God hear my prayer!
Take care of my precious Pax...
Because...
Life's not fair.
~Alexandria Newton August 2017
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it. ~ E. E. Cummings
Miscarriage is a truly devastating loss. It affects not only the woman, but it affects the whole family. It’s painful physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. It’s an incredibly taboo subject and many women don’t talk about their experiences with it.
It’s more common than people think. 1 out of every 4 women experience the loss of a pregnancy. It’s taboo because it’s uncomfortable to talk about. There’s a level of shame and guilt that is carried with it. We (women) feel like it’s our fault. The medical profession even calls it “spontaneous abortion”. Like my own body turned against me and ended the pregnancy. Geez! Let’s be honest…the word miscarry even sucks. It applies that I mis-carried my baby. I already beat myself up enough with out having to say, “My body failed to do it’s job and I mistakenly or wrongly carried my baby.”
During the loss of my pregnancy, I was in so much pain physically that after my doctor examined me in her office, she then sent me to the hospital for further examination. I was receiving an ultrasound and my doctor said, “Yeah, the womb is empty.” I looked at my husband as those words were being spoken. The pain on his face was real. It was tangible. He experienced that loss as deeply as I did.
My husband is hugely supportive. During every aspect and every turn of events, my husband has been right by my side, facing the pain and trials head on with me. Sometimes, he’s carried me when I’ve been unable to continue through the storm. Galen has been more supportive than any other boyfriend I’ve ever had. Once he heard I had endometriosis, he learned everything he could about my disease. He went to every doctors appointment, read all the books, and made friends with endo-sisters along with me, online. I’ve heard of boyfriends and husbands who have left their significant other because they couldn’t handle the effects of the disease. They didn’t believe that endometriosis cause their pain or that the pain was that severe. They blamed them for the miscarriages, and for the infertility. I’m beyond blessed, because my husband will actually take care of me during flare ups. He cared for me during my first pregnancy when I was put on bed rest and was stuck in bed for months. He’s carried me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually when I was struggling with the miscarriages, struggling with the physical pain, struggling with the never ending cycle of trying to conceive and lack of conception. He’s been a rock through all of it. Most men would have cheated, been absent, or just left and ended the relationship by now. But Galen hasn’t. He understands and because he has been so present, he feels everything I do. The pregnancy loss and infertility has been just as painful and difficult on him as it has been for me. Seeing his face on August 5, 2017, as we realized I was actively losing our baby, truly proved how in tune my husband is with me, my disease, and my family.
The evening before I miscarried, I was having tiny, sharp stabbing pains (like a dragging needle prick) that went across my uterine area. The pain increased through the night. I woke up that next morning and went to the bathroom. When I saw the blood, I screamed for my husband. Galen said that his heart dropped when he heard me holler for him . We both knew what was happening. We sat on the floor facing each other, locked around each other, rocking and crying. He kept saying that maybe I wasn’t losing the baby. Hearing the doctor confirm it crushed both of us.
Lord knows, we had been trying for a very long time. We were very happy to be pregnant! We (mistakenly) told people that we had finally conceived. A week or more later we had to tell those same people it was gone. I think it’s much easier to tell people later on that you had had a miscarriage at some point in time. It’s like stating a fact and people can say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” without feeling like they should say or do something more. People seem to be able to respond to statements of past events better than being informed of immediate sorrow. Our own grief and shame make it difficult for other people when you are actively with in its midst. People don’t know what to say or how to act. Seeing our grief and shame make it uncomfortable for them. It’s not their fault; it’s human nature.
I continued to talk about it for a while afterword. I believe that I needed to talk about it as a way to cope with my grief. People got to the point where they ignored me. I think they were trying to let me grieve…but I think they also didn’t know what to say. I also had to deal with my daughter after the loss. She didn’t understand any of it, and still talked about it in front of other people for months. I had a shirt for her that said Big Sister on it.
The thing about this shirt is that it won’t fit her by the time I get pregnant again. I come across the shirt occasionally and it takes my breath away. It’s a painful reminder of what we lost. Yet, for some reason…I can’t get rid of it. There are so many things that go through our mind. Loss, grief, anger, and the ever popular question “why me?” have become common place during our journey for a growing family. Nothing is truly simple. Life is too complicated for that. I’m filled with every emotion God gave us the ability to feel and express. It is up to me to choose how this turn in my infertility journey will define how I look at my future. We are forever changed by the loss of our pregnancy.
I pray that God heals my heart and replaces my pain, anger, and grief with joy and peace. I pray the same healing over my husband. Let us not lose hope…let us not lose faith. I pray Psalm 71 and 86 and ask for strength and courage to continue on this unsteady journey and that Galen and I are united in spirit and filled with peace. While we have endured so many storms, we look forward to a break in the sky and for the first sightings of a rainbow. I pray for hope to be my anchor and my stronghold. I pray for clarity and trust in His plan, not mine. I know my journey, my story, isn’t over. He has my book and is writing my ending. I put my trust in His pen. I know it will be amazing.
I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet, I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion because of the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people of bringing them sorrow. ~ Lamentations 3:20-23, 32-33
Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9
My Aberrant Life 